Oh, I've seen this guy here before...

Something is piercing through the noise of my headphones in the West 4th Street station as I wait for the D. I yank one ear bud out of my curious ear to descry the source of this strange external sound which is not part of my music. A saxophone player is playing atonal jazz improvisations by himself on the platform. So, I said, "Oh, I've seen this guy here before" and placed my ear buds back in my ear and proceeded a few steps down the platform to escape back into my own more welcome cacophony of sound.

Have I been here long enough that the novelty of subway musicians is starting to wear off? I think so. Yet, it doesn't seem long. It also seems incredibly long. The change from where I was to where I am now was so gradual I had to have Karishma remind me how cool it was that I'm working at NY 1 now after I showed her my badge. Months ago, I used to while away the time working at News 14 thinking about the possibility of working here, thinking how cool it would be to work in their facility and to share a building with the famous Chelsea Market. All those months of dreaming about accomplishing all of this and now I'm here and I've almost forgotten to check and see if I'm still alive.

Why is it that we do this to ourselves? We spend so long wanting something only to move on to other stuff we'd also like as soon as we achieve, get, buy, become that something that we've wished for. Sometimes without even acknowledging that we've achieved something. Probably because we too often experience our life either looking back or looking forward, meanwhile missing out on everything that's here in the present, however fleeting that may be.

I was so busy wanting the next thing, full time employment, stability and the certainty of having paycheck so I could feel comfortable going out and socializing without worrying about not being able to afford any kind of social activity, wanting it all together and wanting it now, that I didn't realize that one of the things that I wanted for so long happened and I wasn't fully able to take it in and really relish it right away because my mind was full of so much other shit. I was so worried about it happening a certain way that the significance of it happening at all was almost lost on me.

Now, of course, I am, in fact, relishing it despite all the unfinished work I have to do. Granted, today my comfort level was boosted by adding up my hours for the month of May. I did a little math and saw that I will, without a doubt, be able to cover my rent and bills. Whew! There's still some things that could stand to be worked out but for now, I think I'm going to pledge to stay present and remember that I've achieved something, not necessarily to hold on to it, but to remember that this is what's going on right now and that all those other things, me worrying about my stability, those are not reality. Anyway, as long as I do the right thing and keep working hard, they should work out. Maybe not exactly as I want them to or exactly as I might predict, but they should work out nonetheless. Case in point being the current situation. Despite the fact that I fretted so hard over it all, I just went through the motions and did what I felt I needed to do and, wouldn't you know it, that was probably enough. All the extraneous worrying just gave me something I could talk to my relatives and friends on the phone about. This is the central truth that hit me today, things aren't going to work out as planned, ever. Not exactly. And being okay with this is probably going to make my life a whole lot easier in the long run.

By the end of all of this, I'm going to wonder why I worried so much and why I didn't just enjoy the present moment, the train ride over the Manhattan Bridge, having my own place again, the thrill of this city and the myriad of things to do, my view of Manhattan and the Statue of Liberty and even the more annoying of the subway musicians.