But I'm quite honestly getting a little freaked out about the uncertainty of everything else. I did find out from Technicolor on Friday that they still are depending on me to be available soon when business picks up (when I contacted them to get employment verification documents forwarded to Time Warner corporate, i.e. NY 1, I got to chatting with my old boss over there. When I told them about NY 1, they seemed genuinely interested in finding out if I would be full or part time). But they still can't tell me with any amount of certainty when exactly business will pick up. They were able to tell me that the SAG strike is over and that the New York City tax incentive for filming has been renewed, two factors that would affect whether or not people will actually film in the city this year. But beyond that, they can't tell me when they will need me again, just that they will. I can only hope that the timing is just right.
After two weeks of full time training with NY 1, I will be back to sparser hours, hours yes, but all dependent on other employees taking vacation. So, if Technicolor got really busy in two weeks, it would be awesome as hell. Meanwhile, I apply. Mostly composer jobs and internships, a few recording studio and music company assistant jobs.
What a shit time this is. No one wants to hire anyone full time, if they're hiring at all, and if they're not hiring they're more than likely laying people off at an incredible rate. I keep hearing that the film industry is recession proof but I'm waiting to see evidence of this.
I hung out with three different groups of people this week (four if you count last night's romp around Manhattan), all of which were unemployed. I'm not talking about a few of my friends in these groups were unemployed. I mean every one of them were unemployed to some degree. It's depressing but at least we all have each other, even if we don't have any money.
I'm beginning to think this must be the craziest thing I've done in my life, moving up here without a job at a time like this. And here of all places. "If I can make it here, I can make it anywhere." Scoff. If I can make it here, I won't ever want to uproot myself again.
I've been reading a lot about Zen lately. One of the books is by Brad Warner, a punk rocker and monster movie enthusiast, who's edgy take on Zen comes off somewhat cynical at first. The title is "Hardcore Zen." There was a chapter that spoke of dreams (as in goals) in terms of our attachment to them.
"Suffering occurs when your ideas about how things ought to be don't match how they really are."
"The pain of having your dreams come true appears vividly when you realize that even if your dreams come true, they never really come true."
These spoke to my need to keep this all in perspective. Regardless of what happens, I can't get caught up in things unfolding exactly as I want them to. That's really the source of all my suffering through this period of my life. If I didn't have such big ideas about the way I wanted things to happen then, I might be a bit more transcendent right now.
As my loving sister put it, "What's supposed to happen, will happen when it's supposed to happen." I think that's comforting, in a way. But also frustrating. But again, the root of that frustration is my own ideas about how this should happen. No one ever gets life exactly right the first time and there's no one way to go about achieving your goals, only a myriad of ideas about what has worked for others.
So, frustrated and scared, though I may be, I think I'll make it through this if I just remember what Zen Buddhism has to teach and follow through calmly what I know I need to do. And that is wait...while also applying to as many jobs as I can find, trying new approaches when I find something might not be working, and remembering what my sister said.
Here's to uncertainty.
In the Grand Army Plaza subway station.
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