The real reason for my state of mind

Okay, so I didn't quite get out everything that was bothering me in that last blog, plus, I did find out today that my mini blinds shipped finally. I was so ecstatic I almost cried. It's pretty bad when you've been waiting so long that the mere prospect that the thing you ordered is in motion towards you will induce such glee. Speaking of things arriving in the mail. I just figured out the reason my Netflix movies haven't been arriving (which is another thing that has been bothering me). I logged into my account today to watch Heroes and I had a message saying my account was on hold because I had given them an invalid address. Huh? I went to see what mistake I could have possibly made in typing the address but there was no indication as to why my address was invalid. So I tried writing the apartment number on a separate line but that didn't take when I submitted it and they said that was an invalid address too. So I called them to sort it out, trying not to sound too annoyed because my phone had just dropped out again; something else that has been setting me off at times this week (I've lost several calls in the last week while sitting in my apartment, sometimes right next to a window) and contributing to my state of mind.

Also, while doing my errands today, I think I hit on another big thing that has been under my skin. Something that makes all of these other things seem rather small and like they wouldn't matter at all if I were in a different state of mind. I have been dealing with a little bit of loneliness and wanting more from this place in which I'm living now. I've found myself wishing that my NY friends were more available and that I could reestablish something resembling the old circles I had when in college and living in Raleigh. I can't even find a neighborhood bar around here without having to get on the subway. I did meet someone, as I may have mentioned previously, at Farah's party who lives in the neighborhood. I called her today and left a message and I've yet to hear back from her. It'd be nice to have some friend or friends who live right down the street that I could call up and have a drink with after work some day or something.

Not to sound like I'm complaining. For god's sake, I'm enjoying myself. I think I'm just lacking a few more creature comforts. I hope I wasn't spoiled by all I had when living in NC. But this seems like such a huge city that I should be able to find like minded people to socialize with.

Anyway, I've also been thinking that maybe now's the time for me to focus all my time on finding a job that will establish a routine. Maybe I just need to endure the loneliness for a few more weeks to months until I can really feel fully established. And that leads me to the big reason for the funk. Fun as this is and exciting as this is, I don't yet feel fully established. I mean, I never expected it to come right away. I knew there would be a period of transition.

And as down in the dumps as I might have felt earlier today, haunted by frustration and insecurities about the next few months, I couldn't help but smile about the fact that all I have to do is walk two blocks and I see this magnificent view of Lower Manhattan and New York Bay. You can even see the Statue of Liberty from Sunset Park.

As I sat in the park I could hear bells from the church on 4th Avenue. I bought some groceries at the Key Foods on 5th Avenue and schlepped it back to my apartment, all the while thinking that this is the lifestyle I was after all those years: A couple re-usable canvas bags full of fresh produce slung over my shoulder as I walked past the park on the way home, no car involved, turning my head every once in a while to try and glimpse the Empire State Building on the horizon through the web of ancient Sycamore trees and children skating in the park, parents and strollers, school children and ball games. This, is great.