On Why I moved to New York

I've been trying hard to decide if I was going to blog about last weekend's visit to Raleigh because I didn't know if I could tie it in to this blog, being it a blog about New York City. Well, I decided to because this is not only a blog about New York City but it's also a blog about moving to New York City as well. And in moving, especially out of state, you always leave some things behind. Like friends, memories, your favorite haunts, family.

I've felt myself rather silly for thinking what-ifs these past few days since I got back. I wanted to move here, didn't I? For a myriad of reasons, right? I think I was just getting sentimental. I half expected this phase. So, I'm having a bit of trouble feeling totally comfortable here. It's a little different not knowing anyone in my building. It's a little different not being able to jump in the car and meet someone downtown in a matter of minutes (this can be fixed by moving out of Sunset Park, no doubt). With all of my friends living in different neighborhoods, it's a little hard to coordinate anything to tell you the truth. But, of course, I've been adapting to that, meeting Karishma in Manhattan when we both get off of work, having to think ahead and plan days in advance to hang out with friends instead of being able to just call up Emily or Sana, or Jeff and the guys and meet up downtown. But going back and being able to get everybody to meet me at one bar and then set up some relatively impromptu hanging out on Friday, seeing a band I've never heard of was a nice little reminder of how different things are now (even though I could probably do all these things here, it still wouldn't be quite the same).

I don't understand why I'm in such a rush to get back my old comfort levels, though. Maybe it's okay to be a little uncomfortable from time to time. Maybe, though I know I just said I sort of expected this phase, it kind of blind sided me. I was honestly so preoccupied with the reasons for moving up here that I never considered how I would handle the transition through being lonelier and changing my routine and having to work with total strangers, essentially starting over in a lot of ways. I was able to fully compartmentalize, keeping my eyes on the goal of moving within the year while still enjoying my time in Raleigh fully (more on this later).

I really liked the atmosphere at my old job and now I hear about how everyone hangs out and has Wii parties and cookouts that I've been missing out on. Everyone at my current job keeps to themselves and I don't feel as though I have as much in common with them. Okay, so there are a few outstanding instances where I may have enough in common with them to have a conversation at work but nobody's inviting me to any Wii parties.

I guess Wii parties are a bad example considering one of my high school friends who lives here in Brooklyn has one and I've been over there a few times. Point is, it's just not going to be like it was in Raleigh and I have to come to terms with that. Because I am enjoying this city and I did move here for networking and for an adventure and to be closer to the arts in general. I'm just wishing you all could be here with me.

So anyway, this blog was for all you who've wanted to live vicariously through me. I was going to say, "It's not all roses," but I'll refrain because I don't feel like I can complain. But then, if you want to get all philosophical, it's probably not really healthy for any of us to complain about our situation...unless of course, the world's really shitting on us and won't let up and then you get mugged, beat up, and your house burns down all in the same day. But anyway, what I'm getting at is that I can't sit here and wish that I weren't feeling what I'm feeling because ultimately, it's telling me something and it's my life and I shouldn't want to miss out on it, now should I? If I must venture a possibility of what could be telling me, one thing that comes to mind immediately is that I must have amazing friends and family. And another is that I must have amazing memories meaning I've had amazing times in my life.

Lastly, though, what comes to mind is that I have to assume that I had something to do with the above two because, what you give comes back to you, simple law of the universe. I must have the capacity for making great friends and for making great times, and in a city this big and a life this long, I'm sure that things'll come around and I'll have similar opportunities. It may never compare to Raleigh but maybe it doesn't have to. They can just be two different things and I can visit Raleigh more the harder I work at the real reasons I came up here. Music Career.

Another thing that sort of occurred to me in the course of my meditating and thinking about all this is that the nature of our memories is such that the best ones, the ones that we cling to as good times, were mainly so removed from the other times that we only half remember because, in those good times, we were truly present. Food for thought (or maybe thought for food?). What's bizarre is I had this thought, and then I read something in a book I've been reading on Zen Buddhism that said almost word for word what I had thought. It's funny to realize how interwoven into my understanding the philosophy of Buddhism has become over the past 8 or so years that I've been studying it. The book is Sit Down and Shut Up by Brad Warner.

Another great thought is that this idea of staying in the present moment, incidentally, includes all of the emotions I'm feeling about being in a big city far away from the life I knew and my family and friends. It's all part of the present moment as well, and I should look at it without judging those emotions to be good or bad or indicative of some course of action I should have to take. I'm certainly not moving back any time soon. I've barely done anything yet. If there is a course of action I should take, after I clear my head of all these thoughts about what it should be, it might just be obvious. In fact, it already is. I need to enjoy every moment of my life, no matter how lonely or bored I might be. Because, I'm sure at some point in the future I may be looking back on these moments wishing I had been more present. Here's why: when I was having a good time in Raleigh, I had a thought, on numerous occasions, even though I was constantly thinking about my future plans, that I needed to stay in the present moment while I was in Raleigh because I knew that I'd be leaving all of that soon. This is probably why I'm looking back at Raleigh so fondly. As I said before, those moments were really great, because I was actually there.

I should show you guys some photos of what I've been up to over the past week...there are barely any from Raleigh...a few snippets grabbed from other people mainly.

Around Town June 2009 best

The real reason for my state of mind

Okay, so I didn't quite get out everything that was bothering me in that last blog, plus, I did find out today that my mini blinds shipped finally. I was so ecstatic I almost cried. It's pretty bad when you've been waiting so long that the mere prospect that the thing you ordered is in motion towards you will induce such glee. Speaking of things arriving in the mail. I just figured out the reason my Netflix movies haven't been arriving (which is another thing that has been bothering me). I logged into my account today to watch Heroes and I had a message saying my account was on hold because I had given them an invalid address. Huh? I went to see what mistake I could have possibly made in typing the address but there was no indication as to why my address was invalid. So I tried writing the apartment number on a separate line but that didn't take when I submitted it and they said that was an invalid address too. So I called them to sort it out, trying not to sound too annoyed because my phone had just dropped out again; something else that has been setting me off at times this week (I've lost several calls in the last week while sitting in my apartment, sometimes right next to a window) and contributing to my state of mind.

Also, while doing my errands today, I think I hit on another big thing that has been under my skin. Something that makes all of these other things seem rather small and like they wouldn't matter at all if I were in a different state of mind. I have been dealing with a little bit of loneliness and wanting more from this place in which I'm living now. I've found myself wishing that my NY friends were more available and that I could reestablish something resembling the old circles I had when in college and living in Raleigh. I can't even find a neighborhood bar around here without having to get on the subway. I did meet someone, as I may have mentioned previously, at Farah's party who lives in the neighborhood. I called her today and left a message and I've yet to hear back from her. It'd be nice to have some friend or friends who live right down the street that I could call up and have a drink with after work some day or something.

Not to sound like I'm complaining. For god's sake, I'm enjoying myself. I think I'm just lacking a few more creature comforts. I hope I wasn't spoiled by all I had when living in NC. But this seems like such a huge city that I should be able to find like minded people to socialize with.

Anyway, I've also been thinking that maybe now's the time for me to focus all my time on finding a job that will establish a routine. Maybe I just need to endure the loneliness for a few more weeks to months until I can really feel fully established. And that leads me to the big reason for the funk. Fun as this is and exciting as this is, I don't yet feel fully established. I mean, I never expected it to come right away. I knew there would be a period of transition.

And as down in the dumps as I might have felt earlier today, haunted by frustration and insecurities about the next few months, I couldn't help but smile about the fact that all I have to do is walk two blocks and I see this magnificent view of Lower Manhattan and New York Bay. You can even see the Statue of Liberty from Sunset Park.

As I sat in the park I could hear bells from the church on 4th Avenue. I bought some groceries at the Key Foods on 5th Avenue and schlepped it back to my apartment, all the while thinking that this is the lifestyle I was after all those years: A couple re-usable canvas bags full of fresh produce slung over my shoulder as I walked past the park on the way home, no car involved, turning my head every once in a while to try and glimpse the Empire State Building on the horizon through the web of ancient Sycamore trees and children skating in the park, parents and strollers, school children and ball games. This, is great.