Discouraged, I am not...

Discouraged.  That's what I'm trying not to be right now.  I've had a couple of hits in a short amount of time and I'm trying to turn my mood around because, after all these years of plugging away at this, I realize that it does me no good to dwell on negativity. 

An exercise then.  To list what's bothering me so I can go ahead and decide how I'm going to deal with it all.  First off, my mandolin somehow broke itself while sitting in its gig bag on the floor beside my bed.  We use it on an acoustic version of one of Lacy's songs and we may have to perform said version at an impromptu show next week.  I'm sitting here hoping I can find one to borrow because I do not have the money to replace it and will find out tomorrow if I have the money (and the time, for that matter) to fix it.  My day starts out kind of wonky and several tiny things get under my skin while making breakfast and while heading to yoga, to which I was late because the train sucks.  On top of that a fairly new pair of boots I have been trudging around in broke today.  We're talking two months old pair of leather boots, salt stained from walking over snow and ice-treated sidewalks and streets that I bought on sale for $40, and the sole underneath the right heel cracks and breaks apart from the uppers and I'm walking crooked for the rest of the day.  It's true that I go through shoes a lot more quickly now that I walk everywhere but two months is absurd.  Add on top of all of that, that I finally got around to listening to the competition for that remix contest I entered tonight at work and everyone sounds amazing compared to me.  I feel like I'm standing naked in front of thousands of people who have on really nice tailored clothes. 

And all I have at the end of it all is a gluten free beer and a cat on my lap to comfort me...oh, and the promise of money from the government in a few days in the form of my tax return, which isn't going to come anywhere near paying off my credit card debt, especially considering I now need a new pair of boots and possibly a new mandolin.  I really want to crawl inside a cave right now and hibernate for the rest of this bleak winter until the sun returns. 

But, I realize that this is detrimental thinking.  I can't get discouraged.  No, this is supposed to be an awesome year.  I just picked up a freelance job at TruTV and will hopefully be starting in March, I'm able to afford gluten free beer, my cat still loves me, I'm still making music and learning tons from the people I'm up against in that competition and elsewhere, getting closer to finding my niche even.  I can still get voice over jobs and, though I sometimes can't tell, I'm getting better at it, I think.  Boots and mandolins are replaceable and sometimes fixable.  Life goes on.  And besides.  This shit day ended about 30 minutes ago.  And next week, there's a strong possibility that I'm going to rock the eff out.  In Philly.  So with that said, I go to sleep and tomorrow welcome a new day...and none of this neg-head downer crap!    

Film Score...

Another evening spent working up a mix for Mohammad. We were hoping to get some more time with the oud player but he's leaving the country for we don't know how long so we have to either get him to record us one more take from his apartment and send it via FTP in .wav format, or just go with the cleaned up mp3 files that we have.

Tomorrow will tell what we end up doing. But I think we have just about everything we need to make it good. I finished a mix this evening but I may still have to tweak the timing of things once I see the fully edited version of the scene which we'll be laying it over. That should be tomorrow as well.

It's exciting that it's almost finished and that there's a first deadline in sight. I had a lot of time to work up my part of the score because I started working on concepts before they even shot the scenes. But now that everything is coming together in the editing room over there, I can see an end in sight. Well, in truth, my anticipation is just heightened. I can't really see anything yet. Except for the few concepts I've gotten to glimpse along the way.

Either way, it's been fun getting reacquainted with using Logic Studio along the way, and finding ways to use Native Instruments' Kontakt Player as a sampler. I even got to use Guitar Rig 3 again, as one of the things I added this evening to make the mix a little stronger was guitar.

Anyway, here I sit, exhausted but wide awake and listening to the indie version of Marvelous 3's Hey! Album. A song I haven't heard in ages that wasn't on the later version of the album. It's really bringing me back to junior year of college when I last listened to this album regularly. A time when I lived in West Greensboro in a house with 3 other guys while I was finishing up the last semesters of my music degree and before I ran off to France for a summer and met the woman I would eventually marry and later get divorced from. It was an innocent time. Little did I know that that would be the last year I took piano lessons. And little did I know that a decision I made that year to study composition instead of piano for my masters would lead me where it eventually did. As I remember, it was a decision that was hatched partially out of my disappointment with my piano professor and my disappointment with myself for failing at lessons and not having improved much over the course of three years of study...but mostly out of a realization that I was not cut out to be a performer and that I should be a composer instead like I had dreamed of as a kid at the age of 13. Of course, I needed the expertise if I was going to become a composer. I remember feeling as though I'd wasted the time I had in college doing the wrong thing for myself, studying piano and doing horribly at it (I was a bad sight reader and couldn't discipline myself to practice 8 hours a day like some over-achievers that I was studying with) when I could have been learning about composing and getting started earlier. I regret that more and more that I didn't realize that from the beginning.

I was told by that same piano professor when I suggested changing my major that I should just do a masters in composition because it didn't really matter what I did my undergrad in. Of course, he made this statement because he was assuming that I wanted to go into academia, a place I still find myself at odds with. After that year, so many things changed and I almost didn't pursue this career. But I did. It just took me a while to feel like I was making any headway.

I'm going to start this next thought with a disclaimer that I'm not comparing myself to other composers and other human beings by this, but I often do look at other people and see how far they've gotten when they've been alive the same amount of time as I have or shorter. By "far" I mean that they've succeeded in doing things I've aspired to do but haven't been able to find a way to do...yet. I consider that maybe they've had more opportunities than me, but then maybe they've had the same amount of opportunities as I have and have just taken more of them, or just taken the right opportunities and not wasted time with ones that weren't right for them or weren't going to lead them anywhere. I wonder what they knew that I didn't know and where they were getting that information. Was I cheated? Or was I just not paying enough attention? Letting things slip by while I got distracted by things like love and alcohol and social situations?

I know. It's pretty dark stuff for a Saturday night, but I assure you I'm not depressed right now. No, I'm feeling relatively good despite how harrowing it can be to pursue something for years and feel like you're moving at a snail's pace. But I guess this is just the way it goes for some of us. I've already said I'm not doing this because I think it's going to be easy. I'm doing it because I have to.

Despite having just done some fairly big stuff recently (performing in two very different concerts back to back for starters), I still feel like I'm in a bit of a funk. So, I should probably just sleep on it and I'll be good tomorrow morning. Good night.

The real reason for my state of mind

Okay, so I didn't quite get out everything that was bothering me in that last blog, plus, I did find out today that my mini blinds shipped finally. I was so ecstatic I almost cried. It's pretty bad when you've been waiting so long that the mere prospect that the thing you ordered is in motion towards you will induce such glee. Speaking of things arriving in the mail. I just figured out the reason my Netflix movies haven't been arriving (which is another thing that has been bothering me). I logged into my account today to watch Heroes and I had a message saying my account was on hold because I had given them an invalid address. Huh? I went to see what mistake I could have possibly made in typing the address but there was no indication as to why my address was invalid. So I tried writing the apartment number on a separate line but that didn't take when I submitted it and they said that was an invalid address too. So I called them to sort it out, trying not to sound too annoyed because my phone had just dropped out again; something else that has been setting me off at times this week (I've lost several calls in the last week while sitting in my apartment, sometimes right next to a window) and contributing to my state of mind.

Also, while doing my errands today, I think I hit on another big thing that has been under my skin. Something that makes all of these other things seem rather small and like they wouldn't matter at all if I were in a different state of mind. I have been dealing with a little bit of loneliness and wanting more from this place in which I'm living now. I've found myself wishing that my NY friends were more available and that I could reestablish something resembling the old circles I had when in college and living in Raleigh. I can't even find a neighborhood bar around here without having to get on the subway. I did meet someone, as I may have mentioned previously, at Farah's party who lives in the neighborhood. I called her today and left a message and I've yet to hear back from her. It'd be nice to have some friend or friends who live right down the street that I could call up and have a drink with after work some day or something.

Not to sound like I'm complaining. For god's sake, I'm enjoying myself. I think I'm just lacking a few more creature comforts. I hope I wasn't spoiled by all I had when living in NC. But this seems like such a huge city that I should be able to find like minded people to socialize with.

Anyway, I've also been thinking that maybe now's the time for me to focus all my time on finding a job that will establish a routine. Maybe I just need to endure the loneliness for a few more weeks to months until I can really feel fully established. And that leads me to the big reason for the funk. Fun as this is and exciting as this is, I don't yet feel fully established. I mean, I never expected it to come right away. I knew there would be a period of transition.

And as down in the dumps as I might have felt earlier today, haunted by frustration and insecurities about the next few months, I couldn't help but smile about the fact that all I have to do is walk two blocks and I see this magnificent view of Lower Manhattan and New York Bay. You can even see the Statue of Liberty from Sunset Park.

As I sat in the park I could hear bells from the church on 4th Avenue. I bought some groceries at the Key Foods on 5th Avenue and schlepped it back to my apartment, all the while thinking that this is the lifestyle I was after all those years: A couple re-usable canvas bags full of fresh produce slung over my shoulder as I walked past the park on the way home, no car involved, turning my head every once in a while to try and glimpse the Empire State Building on the horizon through the web of ancient Sycamore trees and children skating in the park, parents and strollers, school children and ball games. This, is great.

Far too much rambling for a Friday night...

So today was my last day at Technicolor. As some of you may know it was always going to be a three-week probationary period during which they took a look at my work and decided between me and some other guy. I left today without any definitive idea of whether or not I'm going to get it, just advice about when to call them back. It looks like things will probably pick up for them in April, as she explained to me today, and at that point they will want to bring "someone" in to work freelance until they decide they want to make it a staff position. How's that for definitive (sarc.)?

They have to do what they have to do. I'm not too fussed about it but now I have to delicately hassle them, when I just heard from a source that that's what the other guy has been doing. Except maybe not so delicately.

Have to come up with a strategy there.

Now, I think it's time for me to deal with the slight funk I'm in. I find that it's best to just first sit down and try and put my finger on everything that's bothering me, when in a funk. Then, I can begin the work of dealing with those things or writing them off if they're not important enough to be bothering myself about. So here goes. It'll be like an exercise. This should be fun.

Okay: I don't have my windows covered. That's bothering me, I realized, because I'm spending all my time in my bedroom at my computer because I don't want to hang out in a room where people outside can see in. So I have been neglecting that room, damn-near avoiding it. So, essentially, half of my living space is "off limits." I feel confined. This can't be good. I just have to deal with that though until I can finally block out unwanted eyeballs. It does help to know that that's the root of it all.

The rest of the things that I realize are bothering me are seriously trifles and aren't bothering me terribly bad, but I'll list them for the sake of the exercise:
I have a cold sore, and also a cold. My hair is falling out more since I've been using that shampoo and, even though I can see new hairs growing in where my old hairline used to be, it's still sort of harrowing (at least they're not all gray already). I asked a girl out a few weeks ago (this one was bothering me up until tonight) and she's been out of touch so I've not gotten to go out with her yet, in fact, I figured she was just not interested at all(turns out she's really busy, as her friend told me, finding a new place, then moving within the city, but also out of town visiting family etc.).

Funny how most of these things either resolve themselves or have simple solutions. Almost not worth worrying about them. ;)

Anyway, I've got a week or so of no work and I can choose to do just about anything with that time. However, I'm going to spend most of it job hunting. I think I'll fan out and look at film jobs, even if they are sporadic and not sustained. Of course, I'll keep on TV stations and I'll keep pestering, lightly, Technicolor, because I really liked that job.

Not every second of these upcoming weeks will be spent glued to the internet search pages, however. I'm going to be touring the city a little with a friend who goes to Columbia and has her spring break next week. MK is really cool and has lived here five years. And her neighborhood is great, up on the Upper East Side. I've been up that way a few times already and I really like it.

Tonight, I visited another Manhattan neighborhood. Really, just lightly scraped the surface. Murray Hill. I was there meeting Farah, my cousin's roommate, at a restaurant called Rice. I'd been to the one in Nolita with Karishma (the first night here, in fact) so I suggested it for tonight because I was taking Farah out for dinner as a thank you for her letting me stay with her for three weeks.

It was a good night, fun conversation with Farah, great ambiance in the restaurant, cool area in general. As I waited for Farah, standing on the corner of 28th St and Lex Ave, I could see the Empire State Building, the Chrysler building and another building which I had never seen before but whose spire was magnificently lit. Indian Restaurants abounded, joined by the occasional Mexican or French restaurant and residents hung out on their fire escapes smoking and chatting. I passed a Bollywood CD store on my stroll around the block. I love how this city and its boroughs are so diverse. Straight down to the things that annoy you. Two nights ago it was wannabe gangster rappers standing around across the street with their stereo booming at midnight while they all took turns saying "mother f@#$er" but tonight two Chinese people were chatting loudly directly outside my window. Tomorrow, I'm sure the Mexicans will be setting off their car alarms accidentally again. But I jest. It's a great neighborhood in reality. I think I'm going to go jogging in Sunset Park tomorrow morning. It's been over a month since I've jogged. For now, I should end this ramble and sleep since I've been up since 6:30 this morning. Good night.