That's what my girlfriend calls it. And I've actually started to embrace the amount of crap cluttering up my desk and my room in general. I've never seen myself look so fondly upon a stack of wound up ethernet cables and bills sitting on my desk before. What's come over me?
I think I really just need things to happen right now and I can't spend any of my valuable time filing bills or restowing ethernet cables underneath my bed or just generally tidying up, dust be damned. Why are there ethernet cables on my desk anyway? Oh right, that's left over from the massive week long troubleshooting session to figure out what was wrong with my Macbook. That's an interesting story.
I just got it back from the Apple Store and it turns out what I had assumed was the almost worst case scenario, a fried airport card (worst would have been a fried logic board), turned out to only be a fried airport card cable. The culprit. Olives. A few weeks ago, right before this wifi always cutting out and airport card not being recognized business, Alexa and I were at the Tippler eating an over large bowl of olives that we just couldn't finish. One can only handle so many olives. I just get thriftier around her perhaps and wasn't willing to send them back to the kitchen, though, to get trashed, so I asked if they had any kind of container I could carry them out in. They produced, eventually, one of those plastic take out containers that you usually save because they're sturdy enough. I mean, these things are supposed to snap tightly shut and everything. But, no. Olive oil leaked in my bag and some of it soaked into the neoprene case that I keep my laptop in inside my shoulder bag. When I had the thing open the other day, I learned a little about the anatomy of the interior and located the airport card, cable and antenna. Only the next day did it dawn on me that that was the exact corner of the laptop that was probably sitting in olive oil the whole ride home that night.
At any rate, it only cost me $10 for the part and $40 for the labor. And one OS reinstall that has set me back while I sit here and wait for all my files to be copied back over to my Macbook from my PC. That's going to take all night and then I have to reinstall all of my audio software and that's going to take all day tomorrow. With any luck by Wednesday, I'll be back at full operating status and going strong again. And someday maybe I'll clean up this clutter...but it sort of becomes my state of mind right now. I don't need clean right now, I need focused. But I also need, yes, sleep. Eyes = Heavy.
Monday, October 15, 2012
Saturday, October 13, 2012
Setbacks...
Well, I've determined, mostly beyond a shadow of a doubt, that my airport wireless card on my Macbook is fried. I finally had a chance to reinstall the OS today since I had the genius idea the other night to backup the data on my Macbook on my PC. The PC has a pretty big hard drive and the network proved to be the best way to transfer files. I just left it going for a few hours and when I woke up this morning it was all safe on the PC.
Reinstalling the OS did not help my situation however. Now, there isn't even a message saying no airport card installed. The wireless icon doesn't even appear on the information bar at the top of the screen. So, that's that and I've made an appointment at the Apple Store on 14th Street for tomorrow afternoon.
I really can't wait to have this situation taken care of. It's hopefully going to be just a minor setback when all's said and done. A minor setback that actually gave me some good perspective. I've been trying to do too much lately. Knowing that I would have less time to work in the next few days to weeks with my Macbook not fully functioning, I had to reexamine what was necessary to do right now and what could wait.
The PSA music, the tracks I'm working on for the licensing agency...I was trying to push forward on these but I coudln't make any progress spending most of my free time trying to diagnose what was getting to be a bigger and bigger problem. I wanted to finish the PSA within the week and also be able to submit as many as 20 tracks for licensing (when I really only have about 5 fully ready). by the end of November. Neither of these things is going to happen now. But knowing I couldn't possibly manage that made me reconsider what was absolutely necessary to do. The deadline for the PSA is far off and I probably don't need to submit so much music for the initial offering to the agency.
In fact, thinking about that number made me realize that not only is it not likely to be necessary to submit so much, submitting fewer pieces and not trying to make them so complex is going to pretty much guarantee a higher quality output.
In the meantime, until I'm back up, what can I focus on now? Voice Over. I do that on my PC almost exclusively. I only ever use the Macbook for it if I'm here at work and there's a job I absolutely have to audition for. And that's rare. So, unhindered there, I submitted to about 7 more auditions this week. I've been highly selective but also I've been direct invited to two auditions by the same producer. I'm not entirely sure what that means but perhaps it's a good thing.
In addition, I've had a friend send off my demo to her agent and also followed up with an email. I plan to call on Monday. So, that's exciting, too.
Another thing I can focus on now, while my Macbook gets fixed tomorrow, is the excitement of potentially performing live with Lacy soon. I know we'll be doing an open mic this Wednesday perhaps but now that she's officially a Brooklynite, we're talking about shows for November. Updates on that shall ensue.
For now, I'm going to get back to the Walking Dead marathon on AMC.
Reinstalling the OS did not help my situation however. Now, there isn't even a message saying no airport card installed. The wireless icon doesn't even appear on the information bar at the top of the screen. So, that's that and I've made an appointment at the Apple Store on 14th Street for tomorrow afternoon.
I really can't wait to have this situation taken care of. It's hopefully going to be just a minor setback when all's said and done. A minor setback that actually gave me some good perspective. I've been trying to do too much lately. Knowing that I would have less time to work in the next few days to weeks with my Macbook not fully functioning, I had to reexamine what was necessary to do right now and what could wait.
The PSA music, the tracks I'm working on for the licensing agency...I was trying to push forward on these but I coudln't make any progress spending most of my free time trying to diagnose what was getting to be a bigger and bigger problem. I wanted to finish the PSA within the week and also be able to submit as many as 20 tracks for licensing (when I really only have about 5 fully ready). by the end of November. Neither of these things is going to happen now. But knowing I couldn't possibly manage that made me reconsider what was absolutely necessary to do. The deadline for the PSA is far off and I probably don't need to submit so much music for the initial offering to the agency.
In fact, thinking about that number made me realize that not only is it not likely to be necessary to submit so much, submitting fewer pieces and not trying to make them so complex is going to pretty much guarantee a higher quality output.
In the meantime, until I'm back up, what can I focus on now? Voice Over. I do that on my PC almost exclusively. I only ever use the Macbook for it if I'm here at work and there's a job I absolutely have to audition for. And that's rare. So, unhindered there, I submitted to about 7 more auditions this week. I've been highly selective but also I've been direct invited to two auditions by the same producer. I'm not entirely sure what that means but perhaps it's a good thing.
In addition, I've had a friend send off my demo to her agent and also followed up with an email. I plan to call on Monday. So, that's exciting, too.
Another thing I can focus on now, while my Macbook gets fixed tomorrow, is the excitement of potentially performing live with Lacy soon. I know we'll be doing an open mic this Wednesday perhaps but now that she's officially a Brooklynite, we're talking about shows for November. Updates on that shall ensue.
For now, I'm going to get back to the Walking Dead marathon on AMC.
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Inversions...
Been thinking a lot lately about my inversion practices in yoga class and how they relate to my life as a whole. The headstand, the hand stand, forearm stand, tripod handstand...I always feel like I'm right at the point where I could leave the support of having the wall behind me when I kick up and actually practice them in the middle of the room. But then I start to settle in to the safety of the wall as a support and a backup and I'll spend months not advancing at all with any one particular pose. For example, I may have gotten to where I can balance for a few seconds in a handstand but, without the wall there behind me, I can't come up without risking toppling over on my way up. In headstand I've grasped and put into practice the concept of using my core strength to lift myself up versus using momentum from kicking up but lately, though I can get up, I haven't been able to stay up for very long for fear of, once again, toppling over. Either way, with any of the poses, I always hit a wall. And I don't advance until I sit back and examine what I need to do to get to the next level.
As with music and voice over, I feel as though I get to one point and can't get any further until I fully examine the nature of my obstacles. Regrouping and examining my methods and their results is key at these points.
Having this insight from yoga is great, too, because I can apply what that practice teaches me across the board. Which is this: I find that, in yoga class, and lately, especially with headstand, it's most effective for me to not feel bad if I have to come out of the pose for fear of losing my balance. I just allow myself to make several attempts at it before accepting that I've tried hard enough for today, no matter how far I've gotten. I also avoid looking around the room at the damn yogi rock stars that are up and balancing the whole time. It's not about competition. Even if the voice over and music stuff can be at times, it's still helpful to import this line of thinking into that arena. After all, I have to acknowledge with both that I can only do so much and that there are only so many hours in a day. The important thing is that I try and I'm not idle. If I try something and it doesn't work, I keep going and I try the next thing. And when I've had enough: rest in child's pose.
That having been said, I am definitely making strides with both but there's never an uninterrupted stream of progress. I must always contend with obstacles. Trying not to let this discourage me is the trick.
And the amazing thing is that, with both areas of my life, I will often pass a milestone in a very noticeable way. That feeling of weightlessness when you can balance in handstand even for a second equates with that amazing feeling when someone hears my music or my voice and likes what they hear enough to hire me and I realize that the hard work has paid off to some degree. It's that "hey, wait. Maybe I can do this." feeling that's so amazing. And it really does feel like, despite all of the slips and falls and awkward landings, I can balance, at least a little.
So I should keep it going, right? I started this blog sitting at Barbès and typing on my phone while listening to Slavic Soul Party. It's a Tuesday night which means it's my Friday and I wanted to cut loose a little so I headed over there after dinner with my girlfriend in the Village. Work at NY1 has been hectic and I'm really feeling the weight of all the balls I have up in the air right now (At the moment, I'm looking for legal help with the contract from the licensing agency and have several emails out to talent agents and production companies with my voice over demos attached.) and occasionally, it gets a little frustrating waiting for them to land. Though, I'm happy right now that I have lots of work, even if not the paid kind, just yet. I'm finishing a ton of pieces to send off to this licensing agency once I finish looking over the contract and am satisfied. I'm doing some pro bono work for a friend who was helping produce a short PSA and needs music. I'm also auditioning for voice over stuff on an almost daily basis. On top of it all, I got a little bit of a nice pay off from all the hard work I've already done this year when a director I worked with sent me a link to the finished film that I scored. I'm a little unsure about posting it just yet because it was a password protected link but PM me if you wish to hear/see it. It's a 13 minute Sci-fi short titled, "The Feed." You may have heard me talk about it a good bit back in April, May and June if you read this blog at all.
Now, I'm afraid it's time for me to go to sleep for a change. Wish me luck with all of the above, headstands and handstands notwithstanding.
As with music and voice over, I feel as though I get to one point and can't get any further until I fully examine the nature of my obstacles. Regrouping and examining my methods and their results is key at these points.
Having this insight from yoga is great, too, because I can apply what that practice teaches me across the board. Which is this: I find that, in yoga class, and lately, especially with headstand, it's most effective for me to not feel bad if I have to come out of the pose for fear of losing my balance. I just allow myself to make several attempts at it before accepting that I've tried hard enough for today, no matter how far I've gotten. I also avoid looking around the room at the damn yogi rock stars that are up and balancing the whole time. It's not about competition. Even if the voice over and music stuff can be at times, it's still helpful to import this line of thinking into that arena. After all, I have to acknowledge with both that I can only do so much and that there are only so many hours in a day. The important thing is that I try and I'm not idle. If I try something and it doesn't work, I keep going and I try the next thing. And when I've had enough: rest in child's pose.
That having been said, I am definitely making strides with both but there's never an uninterrupted stream of progress. I must always contend with obstacles. Trying not to let this discourage me is the trick.
And the amazing thing is that, with both areas of my life, I will often pass a milestone in a very noticeable way. That feeling of weightlessness when you can balance in handstand even for a second equates with that amazing feeling when someone hears my music or my voice and likes what they hear enough to hire me and I realize that the hard work has paid off to some degree. It's that "hey, wait. Maybe I can do this." feeling that's so amazing. And it really does feel like, despite all of the slips and falls and awkward landings, I can balance, at least a little.
So I should keep it going, right? I started this blog sitting at Barbès and typing on my phone while listening to Slavic Soul Party. It's a Tuesday night which means it's my Friday and I wanted to cut loose a little so I headed over there after dinner with my girlfriend in the Village. Work at NY1 has been hectic and I'm really feeling the weight of all the balls I have up in the air right now (At the moment, I'm looking for legal help with the contract from the licensing agency and have several emails out to talent agents and production companies with my voice over demos attached.) and occasionally, it gets a little frustrating waiting for them to land. Though, I'm happy right now that I have lots of work, even if not the paid kind, just yet. I'm finishing a ton of pieces to send off to this licensing agency once I finish looking over the contract and am satisfied. I'm doing some pro bono work for a friend who was helping produce a short PSA and needs music. I'm also auditioning for voice over stuff on an almost daily basis. On top of it all, I got a little bit of a nice pay off from all the hard work I've already done this year when a director I worked with sent me a link to the finished film that I scored. I'm a little unsure about posting it just yet because it was a password protected link but PM me if you wish to hear/see it. It's a 13 minute Sci-fi short titled, "The Feed." You may have heard me talk about it a good bit back in April, May and June if you read this blog at all.
Now, I'm afraid it's time for me to go to sleep for a change. Wish me luck with all of the above, headstands and handstands notwithstanding.
Saturday, September 29, 2012
Momentum...
I always find myself typing these things when it's late at night...I guess when I don't feel like sleeping and it's time to go to bed, I inevitably become introspective enough to write somehow. And it seems lately that I have a lot to talk about and a general desire to report but I'm reluctant to do so because so much of it is up in the air. As unsuperstitious as I can be, I still do believe there's such a thing as a jinx.
I guess I can talk about some of it. A month or so ago, I was contacted by a licensing agency in New England who was interested in potentially using my music in a documentary. I talked about it briefly in this entry. I waited the precursory one week to return contact after I submitted my music for their client to review (it's not like dating where you wait three days), and I didn't hear anything back for a while. That's pretty standard so I just assumed the director had decided to go in a different direction. Which is exactly what they said when they finally did contact me last week. However, they also said they'd still be interested in including my music in their non-exclusive licensing catalog. This is actually a pretty good thing. I had thought about submitting my music to one of the many sound library websites out there many times, as early as 2008 before I even moved here. But I either never got around to it or talked myself out of it because I wasn't ready to produce anything I felt was up to the caliber of the other stuff up on those sites and I was overwhelmed at the prospect of putting my stuff out there and hoping it would stand out somehow. Now, I'm having someone coming to me soliciting music for such a venture and it actually makes me a little proud of how far I've come. And of course, ten times more confident.
There's still work to be done, though, and lots of it. My latest batch of electronic beats and compositions are in various stages of completion at the moment. I've been told to take my time looking over the contract and in the meantime, I hope to be pushing some of these through to the mastering stage and completing the others that are still half composed. And also deciding what among my existing catalog is close enough to that stage to submit. Oh, and also finding a good entertainment/music lawyer.
It's all very exciting but I'm trying to keep a level head. There's still the lawyer to hire, the contract to sign, the copyright and ASCAP registration to take care of. There's still the waiting period between when I submit and when someone comes along and actually requests to license a track or two and then the wait until I'll get paid. But it is nice to know that that will be a possibility now. That right there is a musician's bread and butter, sync licensing and royalties. Oh yeah!
On to voice over, because I guess I can talk about that too. I'm finally ready, or as ready as it takes to be able to just start putting myself out there. Online auditions are wearying me and I'm ready to submit my demos to production houses and talent agencies in order to get more exposure and hopefully more auditions, perhaps even some in person ones since I do, after all, live in New York @#$%ing City.
The significance of all this to me is that I'm finally betting on myself. In a way, though, I'm actually getting a confidence boost from the attention to my music so I'm trying to apply that new found confidence to my voice over ventures, because even though, I've only had a handful of gigs this year, I've had 8 times as many as I did last year. Perhaps I have a reason to be confident there as well. I certainly see an upward trend in both areas. That's how I choose to spin it as it's not so much of a stretch to say that I'm doing exponentially better this year compared to last year. So exciting to have momentum again.
On that note, you guessed it, I have to go to sleep. It's almost 1:30pm and I still have some of this cider left to drink and a little more unwinding to do. So, good night and wish me luck on everything.
I guess I can talk about some of it. A month or so ago, I was contacted by a licensing agency in New England who was interested in potentially using my music in a documentary. I talked about it briefly in this entry. I waited the precursory one week to return contact after I submitted my music for their client to review (it's not like dating where you wait three days), and I didn't hear anything back for a while. That's pretty standard so I just assumed the director had decided to go in a different direction. Which is exactly what they said when they finally did contact me last week. However, they also said they'd still be interested in including my music in their non-exclusive licensing catalog. This is actually a pretty good thing. I had thought about submitting my music to one of the many sound library websites out there many times, as early as 2008 before I even moved here. But I either never got around to it or talked myself out of it because I wasn't ready to produce anything I felt was up to the caliber of the other stuff up on those sites and I was overwhelmed at the prospect of putting my stuff out there and hoping it would stand out somehow. Now, I'm having someone coming to me soliciting music for such a venture and it actually makes me a little proud of how far I've come. And of course, ten times more confident.
There's still work to be done, though, and lots of it. My latest batch of electronic beats and compositions are in various stages of completion at the moment. I've been told to take my time looking over the contract and in the meantime, I hope to be pushing some of these through to the mastering stage and completing the others that are still half composed. And also deciding what among my existing catalog is close enough to that stage to submit. Oh, and also finding a good entertainment/music lawyer.
It's all very exciting but I'm trying to keep a level head. There's still the lawyer to hire, the contract to sign, the copyright and ASCAP registration to take care of. There's still the waiting period between when I submit and when someone comes along and actually requests to license a track or two and then the wait until I'll get paid. But it is nice to know that that will be a possibility now. That right there is a musician's bread and butter, sync licensing and royalties. Oh yeah!
On to voice over, because I guess I can talk about that too. I'm finally ready, or as ready as it takes to be able to just start putting myself out there. Online auditions are wearying me and I'm ready to submit my demos to production houses and talent agencies in order to get more exposure and hopefully more auditions, perhaps even some in person ones since I do, after all, live in New York @#$%ing City.
The significance of all this to me is that I'm finally betting on myself. In a way, though, I'm actually getting a confidence boost from the attention to my music so I'm trying to apply that new found confidence to my voice over ventures, because even though, I've only had a handful of gigs this year, I've had 8 times as many as I did last year. Perhaps I have a reason to be confident there as well. I certainly see an upward trend in both areas. That's how I choose to spin it as it's not so much of a stretch to say that I'm doing exponentially better this year compared to last year. So exciting to have momentum again.
On that note, you guessed it, I have to go to sleep. It's almost 1:30pm and I still have some of this cider left to drink and a little more unwinding to do. So, good night and wish me luck on everything.
Friday, September 28, 2012
On Why I moved to New York...
I just posted this guest entry which you can read at my cousin's blog:
This is a topic I've hit on multiple times, sometimes in the context of whatever was happening with me at the time I was writing, sometimes merely inspired by a random event, sometimes in response to people asking me if I'd ever move back and then sometimes, like now, in response to a request for a guest blog entry from my cousin. I was going to write it in a single sit down but the process of typing the first few paragraphs got me thinking about checking in with the dream I had about 6 years ago to make this happen. What did I think of the city then and what do I now think of it having lived here for 3 1/2 years?
When I first decided to move here it was a huge aha moment for me. The seed of one of the most incredible journeys of my life really grew out of the ashes of my divorce, 6 years ago….
This is a topic I've hit on multiple times, sometimes in the context of whatever was happening with me at the time I was writing, sometimes merely inspired by a random event, sometimes in response to people asking me if I'd ever move back and then sometimes, like now, in response to a request for a guest blog entry from my cousin. I was going to write it in a single sit down but the process of typing the first few paragraphs got me thinking about checking in with the dream I had about 6 years ago to make this happen. What did I think of the city then and what do I now think of it having lived here for 3 1/2 years?
When I first decided to move here it was a huge aha moment for me. The seed of one of the most incredible journeys of my life really grew out of the ashes of my divorce, 6 years ago….
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Of Musicals and Voice Over Auditions...
I just got back from my second musical in as many nights. Last night, I saw the dress rehearsal of a musical that my girlfriend helped out with on costumes called "Life on the Mississippi," based on the book by Mark Twain. A small theater and a small cast, it was quite a good show, the story centering on Samuel Clemens and the period of his life when he aspired to be a steamboat man. Tonight, I just got back from Porgy and Bess at the Richard Rodgers Theater on 46th Street. Starring Audra McDonald, Norm Lewis and David Alan Grier. Yes, I said David Alan Grier of In Living Color fame. The cast was amazing and it was such a treat to see the show and hear the rest of Gershwin's score. All I had ever heard of that show before was, of course, the song "Summertime." My general manager at NY1 has a sister who does a lot of art directing on and off Broadway and so we got free tickets to the show plus a cast Q&A at the end.
After I left, I wandered through Times Square, past Spiderman and the Naked Cowboy, back to the subway thinking about the amazing things that have happened since I moved here and how I remain in love with this city. I'm in the midst of trying to compose a guest blog entry for my cousin who lives in Germany now on the subject of why I moved to NY. I was going to write it in a single sit down but the process of typing the first few paragraphs got me thinking about checking in with the dream I had about 6 years ago to make this happen. What did I think of the city then and what do I now think of it having lived here for 3 1/2 years? I saw it as an adventure waiting to happen and it may not have unfolded exactly as such and certainly not right away but it hasn't disappointed me. One would think that all that dreamy-eyed optimism would have been dulled down a little after that much time plugging away and dealing with the stress of city life. But, these days, if I ever catch myself getting downhearted, whether it's simply annoyance with daily life in the city, or all out negative thoughts about my chances of really succeeding at what I'm trying to do, all I have to do is open my eyes and look at the city around me. I'll inevitably catch something that makes me realize what I find in this city that makes me want to stay, regardless of how little return I see sometimes in terms of success at my career. I look up and see things like this:
...the tribute in light for the anniversary of the September 11 attacks, that speaks to the majesty of such a pile of concrete and steel and the embodiment of the souls of all the people in this city and their ability to pull together in times of hardship...or I look up and see the lights of Times Square and all the bustle of the city around me and think what a strangely complex machine this city is, drawing in tourists to gawk at its splendor while it churns on relentlessly, its inhabitants minding their own f@#$ing business and trying to get on with their day...or I manage to find the time for two musicals in one week and remember what a culturally vibrant and magical city I live in, and all that pessimism washes away and I realize how lucky I am to just be here now, doing what I love doing. Doing it at all. Parts of me wish I was doing more of it but doing it all should be good enough really.
It's all about perspective too, I've come to realize. I didn't come here because I didn't think there'd be any hard knocks or because I thought it would be easy. I came here because I had to. Fundamentally, I don't think there's any reason for doing something unless it's challenging. (Obviously, I'm not talking about every day things like cooking breakfast or taking a shower, I mean the big things like career and lifestyle choices). It's the same drive that keeps me doing yoga five to six days a week. I have to constantly challenge myself to grow and become better at the things I do and how am I going to do that if I back out of something because of a few missteps or pitfalls?
Today was no different. I woke up and scrambled to get one voice audition in before they closed it (as you remember I was frustrated because twice in one week, and once after my voice coach reviewed one of my auditions for me, an audition was closed before the deadline and my work was not submitted). I made it. Then I made it to yoga for the noon class and when I got back, I reworked my current voice demos, placing music under some of the spots I've done, and stitching together more of the work I'm proud of vs. the stuff from my original demo. Then I submitted to four more voice auditions. Cooked dinner and headed off to the theater...but not before shaving my beard and playing around with other facial hair options...
...before ultimately shaving it all off....I don't know though, I kind of like the mustache...I was laughing about how much I liked it. Katrina said I looked like a scary hipster.
But I digress...a productive day followed by some well deserved entertainment. I'm doing well and I'm still enjoying the city...even if I haven't quite crested that hill yet and become my own boss as a living and working composer/voice over artist. But some day. Meantime, I'm having a blast. After 3 1/2 years, I can certainly say that my view of the city has changed. In a way, that image I had of the city before I moved here has not been tarnished at all...in fact, I'd say it's been polished. And I'm able to see more in it than I ever did before.
After I left, I wandered through Times Square, past Spiderman and the Naked Cowboy, back to the subway thinking about the amazing things that have happened since I moved here and how I remain in love with this city. I'm in the midst of trying to compose a guest blog entry for my cousin who lives in Germany now on the subject of why I moved to NY. I was going to write it in a single sit down but the process of typing the first few paragraphs got me thinking about checking in with the dream I had about 6 years ago to make this happen. What did I think of the city then and what do I now think of it having lived here for 3 1/2 years? I saw it as an adventure waiting to happen and it may not have unfolded exactly as such and certainly not right away but it hasn't disappointed me. One would think that all that dreamy-eyed optimism would have been dulled down a little after that much time plugging away and dealing with the stress of city life. But, these days, if I ever catch myself getting downhearted, whether it's simply annoyance with daily life in the city, or all out negative thoughts about my chances of really succeeding at what I'm trying to do, all I have to do is open my eyes and look at the city around me. I'll inevitably catch something that makes me realize what I find in this city that makes me want to stay, regardless of how little return I see sometimes in terms of success at my career. I look up and see things like this:
...the tribute in light for the anniversary of the September 11 attacks, that speaks to the majesty of such a pile of concrete and steel and the embodiment of the souls of all the people in this city and their ability to pull together in times of hardship...or I look up and see the lights of Times Square and all the bustle of the city around me and think what a strangely complex machine this city is, drawing in tourists to gawk at its splendor while it churns on relentlessly, its inhabitants minding their own f@#$ing business and trying to get on with their day...or I manage to find the time for two musicals in one week and remember what a culturally vibrant and magical city I live in, and all that pessimism washes away and I realize how lucky I am to just be here now, doing what I love doing. Doing it at all. Parts of me wish I was doing more of it but doing it all should be good enough really.
It's all about perspective too, I've come to realize. I didn't come here because I didn't think there'd be any hard knocks or because I thought it would be easy. I came here because I had to. Fundamentally, I don't think there's any reason for doing something unless it's challenging. (Obviously, I'm not talking about every day things like cooking breakfast or taking a shower, I mean the big things like career and lifestyle choices). It's the same drive that keeps me doing yoga five to six days a week. I have to constantly challenge myself to grow and become better at the things I do and how am I going to do that if I back out of something because of a few missteps or pitfalls?
Today was no different. I woke up and scrambled to get one voice audition in before they closed it (as you remember I was frustrated because twice in one week, and once after my voice coach reviewed one of my auditions for me, an audition was closed before the deadline and my work was not submitted). I made it. Then I made it to yoga for the noon class and when I got back, I reworked my current voice demos, placing music under some of the spots I've done, and stitching together more of the work I'm proud of vs. the stuff from my original demo. Then I submitted to four more voice auditions. Cooked dinner and headed off to the theater...but not before shaving my beard and playing around with other facial hair options...
...before ultimately shaving it all off....I don't know though, I kind of like the mustache...I was laughing about how much I liked it. Katrina said I looked like a scary hipster.
But I digress...a productive day followed by some well deserved entertainment. I'm doing well and I'm still enjoying the city...even if I haven't quite crested that hill yet and become my own boss as a living and working composer/voice over artist. But some day. Meantime, I'm having a blast. After 3 1/2 years, I can certainly say that my view of the city has changed. In a way, that image I had of the city before I moved here has not been tarnished at all...in fact, I'd say it's been polished. And I'm able to see more in it than I ever did before.
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Commuting...
I spent a good bit of time thinking about how to spin this one. I had a pretty violent angry commute or at least I did at the very start of it. So, it got me thinking a lot about anger and how to handle it. And I also came to the conclusion that I am, deep down, a decent person. Why? Because I didn't do what I so badly wanted to do someone who tried to #$#@ with me.
Well, I was headed for the train this evening after work. Getting off at 6pm like the rest of NYC is my least favorite part about my Tuesday shift. There's already a tension in the air when I enter the subway, as there was a long line of people trying to go through the single entrance turnstile at 15th Street and 8th Avenue. Why I always go this way is beyond me. I finally break through and turn right immediately to go down the stairs to the downtown platform and barring my way is a kid in a red shirt, his hand gripping the railing. My immediate expectation, as would have been anyone else's, is that this kid would see I had no where else to move to and get out of my effing way. But no, he braces himself into me and tries to basically walk through me and, when he doesn't go around me, I say, out loud, "move," because I have nowhere to go. But instead of moving this jackass tries to push me down the stairs. Lucky for me, I have cat-like reflexes. You do not knock Tim Daoust down any stairs. I swing around instinctively to get a good long look at this idiot and see him poised ready to fight me. He looks like a stupid kid who's played too many video games. I took one look at him, told him to go f*@#$ himself and then walked on.
Because that's the smart thing to do. Nothing is ever worth fighting about, especially on the stairs in a subway station when you're at a disadvantage. Of course, and no one can help this, when it dawns on me exactly what the idiot could have done in the heat of the moment, i.e. knocked me head over heels down the stairs, the anger wells up in me and turn again to I don't know what. He's already halfway out the turnstile so I shout a few more choice obscenities at him and decide, positively vibrating with raw anger though I am, to let it go.
Still the smart thing to do. The anger is going to be there but you deal with it because it's not worth it. My mind went, eventually, to this quote by Thich Naht Hahn:
Well, I was headed for the train this evening after work. Getting off at 6pm like the rest of NYC is my least favorite part about my Tuesday shift. There's already a tension in the air when I enter the subway, as there was a long line of people trying to go through the single entrance turnstile at 15th Street and 8th Avenue. Why I always go this way is beyond me. I finally break through and turn right immediately to go down the stairs to the downtown platform and barring my way is a kid in a red shirt, his hand gripping the railing. My immediate expectation, as would have been anyone else's, is that this kid would see I had no where else to move to and get out of my effing way. But no, he braces himself into me and tries to basically walk through me and, when he doesn't go around me, I say, out loud, "move," because I have nowhere to go. But instead of moving this jackass tries to push me down the stairs. Lucky for me, I have cat-like reflexes. You do not knock Tim Daoust down any stairs. I swing around instinctively to get a good long look at this idiot and see him poised ready to fight me. He looks like a stupid kid who's played too many video games. I took one look at him, told him to go f*@#$ himself and then walked on.
Because that's the smart thing to do. Nothing is ever worth fighting about, especially on the stairs in a subway station when you're at a disadvantage. Of course, and no one can help this, when it dawns on me exactly what the idiot could have done in the heat of the moment, i.e. knocked me head over heels down the stairs, the anger wells up in me and turn again to I don't know what. He's already halfway out the turnstile so I shout a few more choice obscenities at him and decide, positively vibrating with raw anger though I am, to let it go.
Still the smart thing to do. The anger is going to be there but you deal with it because it's not worth it. My mind went, eventually, to this quote by Thich Naht Hahn:
"It is best if we do not listen to or look at the person whom we consider to be the cause of our anger. Like a fireman, we have to pour water on the blaze first and not waste time looking for the one who set the house on fire."
I think he had a good thought there. It's not important, hell it's not even smart to lash out at someone who has done you wrong. Or anyone else for that matter. When I got on the train I realized that I was in such a state of mind that I had to be mindful or else I might lash out at the next random person to cross me. So, when a fully loaded A train and a not so packed E train rolled up simultaneously, I opted for the one with fewer people on it so I could avoid any close encounters until I was sure I was calm.
Then I got to thinking, this is why it's important to clear your own head first, put out the fire as it were. In the process of mindfully calming down, avoiding the train car full of other people, I was trying not to do what that kid had done to me. He had probably been having a worse day than me and somehow, me not moving out of his way must have seemed like a huge offense and thus made me the target of his anger. Hence everything that happened not really making any sense. Why corner someone so they can't move out of your way and then get angry when they push back and try to push them down a flight of stairs? None of this made sense to me. I was not the initial target of this kid's anger. So, why would I want to continue fuming and risk passing his karma on to someone else? This profound thought carried me through the rest of my commute and every time I bumped into someone or they bumped into me or stepped on me or anything else, I was as nice as I could be. I might have weirded some people out a little, too.
Of course, the anger took me all night to deal with. I had to get it out of my head that this dumbass was really trying to hurt me, move past thoughts of how badly I could have kicked his ass and how little time it would have taken me and accept that there was probably something else going on with him that made him react without thinking. And that is not important whatever it was. Because you can never know. You just have to realize that when you come in contact with anyone, so much has happened to them before that moment that will inevitably influence the tone of that meeting. And always respond with mindfulness.
But I swear to god, it's enough to make you want to avoid commuting during rush hours. Half of me wants to start a routine where I wait around in the city after work instead of going straight home. Ugh. But this is part of living in a city with 9 million people in it. Some of them are inevitably going to be assholes. You just have to deal with it like you do every other trail of living here. And keep you nose clean. And mind your own f#$%ing business. That's all.
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