Too many...

I don't know how many of your minds work like this but do you ever just feel like you have so many things you want to do that you can't figure out what in the hell to do next? This happens to me on a grand scale and miniature scale. It could be my life's aspirations or it could be the mountain of household tasks/errands that tend to pile up.  Incidentally, this is exactly why I plan so meticulously. I make to do lists, I allot time, I schedule, I execute, all so I don't have to think about what to do when it comes time to do it.

On an evening like this though, I made a last minute decision to stay home and not go out to yoga for once. As a result, I found myself with a huge chunk of time I don't normally have, during which I could do a number of things both big and small or I could do nothing. Nothing is planned. All I know is that I had several thoughts on the way home, and on the way in the door, that inspired me, each one knocked out of the running by the one after it, as though they were all sentient and had been waiting for this free time to vie for their position.

It's insane.

One was to plug in my keyboard and learn how to play a riff from a song I can't stop listening to. One was to play guitar with my friggin' amp plugged in for a change (read: loudly). One was to actually riff and come up with a song, perhaps recording some ideas and playing around with them in Logic. Then, my mind drifted toward my laptop and how I had written down that I needed to clean up some folders on it that have been in need of that for some time now.

But some of my laundry is still hanging up and is ready to be folded. Also, damn, I'm hungry and maybe if I cook dinner early I can get to all that other stuff later, if my mind isn't completely drained by then. But I know myself and I know how I'll feel after eating dinner...with Netflix waiting right there to suck me in to something that, let's face it, I've probably already seen before.

Then, I decide again to resist the temptation to become a sloth. I was looking at the Instagram posts of several other gluten free types and even earlier had read about a medical study seeking newly diagnosed Celiacs. Both of these ideas brought back to the front of my mind a genius idea I came up with almost a year and a half ago now. One that I should be starting on any day now. I want to create a YouTube channel for newly diagnosed Celiacs on adjusting to the gluten free lifestyle. Eventually, I've thought it could become a travel show for people with Celiac, or even food allergies in general, centering on the question of how you survive while traveling with these disorders and diseases.

This isn't just in the spitball stage either. I've scripted. I've amassed equipment. I've done screen tests. I've gone back and forth about questions of production style and quality. I've researched. I've gone back to the drawing board and rescripted. I've even considered that with such a vast undertaking I'm going to need a producer and perhaps a team.

So I've repeatedly shelved it to focus on...wait for it...the novel I've been writing. Yes. I'm going to keep it shrouded in secrecy for now and will be publishing it under a pseudonym. You'll know soon enough.

Suffice it to say that it's been by far one of the most enjoyable of the things I devoted my time to lately and I keep coming back to it with renewed eagerness...ask Amy about my random eureka moments. Ideas flood in regularly and I'm connected to all these apps that allow me to take notes on my phone and then access them on my laptop later. I never miss an idea. I keep telling myself that I'm fully in the editing phase now and I've almost got it locked and loaded. But then, I start to realize I don't want to rush the editing phase. As I've started to flesh out some chapters and scenes and add new ones in between, looking back, I've discovered that the novel has grown so much. I would be insane to prematurely declare it done.

In the process, I've even come up with several ideas for other novels, some of them sci-fi. I realize I'm pretty early on in the process of thinking of this like a career and thus, it's still fun. Trying to get this thing published and marketing it may yet break me. But right now, being a writer is a pretty attractive idea to me. Seriously. And not to diminish my other endeavors. I just find myself really enjoying creating this way. I'm drawn to it.

That leads me to the reason I'm sitting down writing this instead of doing any of the things I just mentioned. I recall reading an article about a year ago (I'll try and find it and link it) that basically said busy for the sake of busy was bullshit and no way to live.  You should only really be making time for the things that you truly enjoy doing. That you shouldn't be destroying yourself to do everything you think of just because you once thought it might be cool to do that thing. That was the upshot anyway. And maybe that means one thing at a time or maybe it means I'm a novelist and haven't been much of a composer for a while. I tend towards the first interpretation. The novel is what I'm having fun doing right now and what I choose to conserve my mental energy for. I have momentum there.

Anyway, I won't be writing the novel forever. Then, once it's done, I don't have to start the next one right away. And when I do start it, I can still be doing other things, and decide freely when I switch tasks. The only slight urgency with any of these endeavors is with the Celiac channel and that is that someone might scoop my idea and do it better before I can. Maybe someone already has. But hence the research. With every blog or video I see, I keep thinking of ways to do it my own way and make it unique. I think it'll be fine. It probably doesn't matter. People will always be getting diagnosed with Celiac and I have no shortage of topics to cover there.

At any rate, I keep saying I would want to do it only when I have the time to make it really good. And that's not right now. And it doesn't do any good to be motivated to do it because I just thought about it or I saw a bunch of people being Celiac on the internet and I envisioned myself doing it and already being at the finish line. This has failed me many times. I used to call it rock out envy. I'd be at a show watching a band perform that I was really into or I'd find live footage on YouTube and think, "I need to be doing that again!" The problem is that this doesn't actually motivate you to do the things you need to do to get there. Write stuff that actually inspires you, record it, meet musicians, find the right ones, collaborate, find a rehearsal space, pay for it, book a gig, get people to come, repeatedly. Some of that sounds fun but but whether or not it doesn't, every one of those things take time. Time I could find, sure, time I probably have and don't realize but remember, I still have to fold my laundry and make dinner.

And this all comes after a co worker asked me if I had any New Year's resolutions and I said, without missing a beat, "I want to start a band." Maybe I will, maybe I'll take it one step at a time. Maybe I'll make some new musician friends. Maybe I'll finish the novel first. Maybe nothing will come of it. But I think the important thing is to have fun doing it. And right now I'm having fun writing this blog about it.

End.